“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

- James Baldwin

For most of my life, I under-appreciated the importance of emotional intelligence.

I always saw emotions as “touchy feely” things that were distractions to logic and sound decision making.

As I've gotten older, I realize how wrong I was.

Now that I’m an entrepreneur, I have a greater appreciation for emotional intelligence, and am actively investing in increasing my EQ.

Why?

Because, entrepreneurship is an emotional roller coaster.

Some days I wake up to self-doubt. Other days I feel on top of the world.

Every day requires me to risk rejection, embarrassment, and take 100% accountability for my decisions. I’m forced to face issues head on. There’s nowhere to run. I can’t blame anyone other than myself.

The opportunity cost for being ignorant and living in denial is survival.

I have to take Extreme Ownership.

In my search for becoming more productive, I’ve experimented with systems like GTD, Pomodoro, and the Eisenhower Matrix. They’re all great, but what really opened my eyes was understanding the role emotions play with staying focused. This is the premise of Nir Eyal’s book Indestractible, in which he says

“The hard truth is this: If you can't master your emotions, you'll never master your attention. Too many of us use distractions as emotional Band-Aids. Feeling anxious? Check social media. Bored? Watch a video. Stressed? Have a drink. But here's what most "productivity gurus" won't tell you: Distraction isn't caused by a lack of willpower (there’s no such thing). It's always about escaping discomfort.”


When I read this it immediately struck me. I knew he was right.

The uncompleted tasks. The distractions. The avoided conversations.

They all boil down to emotions.

Last week I saw Dr. Becky Kennedy on Lewis Howes' podcast that put a sharper edge on all of this.

She said most adults in their 20s, 30s and 40s, can't handle frustration, disappointment, or sadness any better than they could as toddlers.

The ramifications for this as a society are catastrophic.

The lack of emotional regulation contributes to road rage, bar fights, homicides, substance abuse, divorces, and so much more.

Research shows strong emotional regulation predicts mental health outcomes, relationship quality, even physical health markers.

This is why Emotional Courage is so important.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It's the willingness to feel the thing you've been avoiding and act anyway.

This is why there is no such thing as a hard decision.

Only feelings we don't want to feel.

Think about it. Any decision you've called "hard", whether it’s leaving the job, ending the relationship, sending the message, or having the conversation…underneath the spreadsheet of pros and cons, there's a feeling you're trying avoid.

Guilt. Rejection. Loss of identity. Embarrassment. Disappointing someone.

The decision isn’t hard. The feeling that comes with it is.

In 2014, researchers Igor Grossmann and Ethan Kross ran three experiments with 693 participants and named it Solomon's Paradox, after the biblical king who was famously wise for everyone in his kingdom and a disaster in his own life.

Across all three studies, people reasoned dramatically more wisely about a friend's problem than their own.

When it's someone else's situation, we have no emotions attached to it.

We can see the situation clearly because we’re not in it.

When it's yours, your reasoning is dragged toward whatever path lets you avoid the feeling fastest.

You aren't being dumb.

You're being managed by your own nervous system.

The key isn’t to avoid your emotions. It’s to understand them.

The goal is to use your emotions, and not let your emotions use you.

And to do that, it takes courage. Not the big heroic act of external courage, but the internal act of sitting with the uncomfortable feelings and facing them head on.

As James Baldwin eloquently wrote:

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

This is what DailyCourage is all about.
It’s about having the courage to face the things that scare us.
It’s about feeling the feelings we don’t want to feel.

This is where our growth, strength and a better life all reside…on the other side of fear.

And it’s why Anais Nin was right when she said:

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

Here's your reflection for the week:

What's a decision you’ve been calling "hard" ? Make space for it. Allow yourself to fully explore the emotion that you’re associating with that decision. This is how you build your Emotional Courage muscle.

Here's your challenge for the week:

Pick one thing you've been avoiding. Make it small enough that you can actually do it in the next 48 hours. Take action. Send the message. Make the ask. Post the thing. Have the conversation.

Remember: “life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

With courage,

Jonathan