“You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

- Jim Rohn

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately.

As I get older I have a stronger desire to make sure I’m focusing on the things that actually matter. And not a week goes by that I don’t see something that points back to the same thing: relationships.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development has tracked people's lives for 87 years, the longest study of happiness ever run. Its clearest finding: good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Not wealth. Not fame. Not the title on the badge. The people most satisfied in their relationships at 50 were the healthiest at 80. The study's director wrote a whole book about it, The Good Life.

The reverse is just as documented. The Surgeon General says being disconnected carries a mortality risk similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

So relationships aren't one ingredient in a good life.

They're the main one.

Most of us eventually figure out that relationships were the whole game. The problem is when. The deathbed. The divorce. The funeral. That's the fool's timing.

The wise move is to act on the evidence now. So that's what I've been doing. I’m taking a much more intentional approach to crafting a level 10 life and that requires level 10 relationships.

I think about them intentionally instead of letting them run on autopilot. I’ve started reading books, watching videos, and even enrolled in a course.

I’m serious about this.

Being the nerd that I am I challenged myself to see if I could come up with an equation for thinking about relationships.

The goal was to use it to help me think about relationships more intentionally so that I could prioritize my time, energy and attention accordingly.

Here’s what I came up with.

4Fs of Relationships = Further + Faster + Funner - Friction

1. Further. Are you going further in life with this person than you would alone? Do they encourage you? Expose you to useful resources? The right person extends your reach. The wrong person hampers it.

2. Faster. Whatever the destination is, saving for a house, building a business, getting in amazing shape, are you getting there faster with them? The right person is a tailwind. The wrong person is an anchor, holding you back and slowing you down.

3. Funner. Do you genuinely enjoy this person? Their energy, their laugh, the conversation? The best relationships flow. If every hangout feels like a shift you're working, that's a sign.

4. Less Friction. Friction is anything that slows things down. The misunderstandings, the blow-ups, the promises that don't get kept. Every relationship has some. The question is whether this one has less friction than life without it, or more.

So that’s it. Everything boils down to this equation. Take any relationship and it applies. A business partner, a best friend, a spouse. It holds true.

To be clear, this isn't a scorecard for transactional love. People aren't stocks, and some seasons your favorite person can't add speed to anything. A grieving friend fails "Faster" and still deserves you. The Four Fs aren't for grading a bad month. They're for seeing a pattern you've been avoiding for years and to help you assess the quality of a relationship over a period of time, as it relates to helping you get to where you want to go in life.

Seeing a relationship clearly takes honesty. Acting on what you see takes courage. Some relationships will pass the Four Fs and deserve more of you than they're getting. Some will fail, and you'll have to find the courage to loosen your grip on someone who is no longer taking you where you're going. That’s OK. Ultimately every decision you make should be leading you toward the life you want, and this is why life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.

Here's your reflection for the week:

Take a few mins to reflect on the 5 people you spend the most time with. Use the 4Fs test on each of them. Sit with that answer. Allow it to take you wherever it does.

Here's your challenge for the week:

Share this email with one of your friends and ask them to rate YOU against the 4Fs. Listen without being defensive. This is your courage rep for the week.

With courage,

Jonathan