“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”

- Dr. Brené Brown, PhD

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me a question about what role shame plays in how people show up in the world, and how that impacts their ability to be courageous.

That question reminded me of a conversation I had at a men’s retreat in Tahoe back in December. 

I participated in a group exercise where we were assigned a partner to hike with. I was assigned to "Brad," a middle-aged, Caucasian guy with brown hair, freckles, and glasses from Riverside, California. He looked like a stereotypical accountant or dentist.

We shook hands and introduced ourselves.

He told me he was a real estate investor, and then asked me what I did.

I told him I was building a company that helps people have more courage.

Then things suddenly changed.

He stopped and looked directly in my eyes.

"Did you just say courage?" he asked with an unexpected level of intensity.

"Uhh, yes, why?" I replied.

What happened next, I never would've predicted.

What started as a casual conversation quickly turned into one of the most vulnerable conversations I've ever had.

I thought I was going on a hike to talk about goal setting, business books, and growth tactics, but things took a turn.

It turns out he's a survivor of sexual abuse. It happened multiple times, during his adolescence. What made it even worse, is that it happened inside a religious organization, where he said abuse was rampant.

It also happened to one of his siblings. And when it almost happened to one of his kids, that was the last straw for him.

He made the decision to walk away.

He called it the hardest decision of his life.

To be clear, he didn’t just leave the church.

He was a third-generation member of the church, and heavily involved in the family business.

At 46, he lost all contact with his parents, his cousins, his siblings, his church, and most of his business ties. He, his wife, and their kids, basically had to start over from scratch. 

Now you can understand why the word courage was so important to him. On that hike we talked about courage, fear, guilt, morality, organized religion, and shame.

Shame doesn't announce itself as shame.

Like most fears, it hides behind a mask.

It talks, all day, in your own voice; so you think it's you.

The narratives run on autopilot.

“I'm damaged.”
“I'm less than.”
“If they really knew me, they'd leave me.”

It's standing in a room full of people who genuinely like you and feeling like the one thing there that doesn't belong.

It's the flinch when someone moves too fast, says a certain name, wears a certain cologne, plays a certain song.

It's being 46 years old chronologically and 8 years old inside.

So you over achieve.

You outwork everyone.

You become the funny one, the strong one, the one who takes care of everybody else.

Because if you keep everyone looking at what you do, nobody looks at what you carry.

That's the loop. Shame says hide. Hiding keeps the wound sealed off from air and light. The wound stays fresh, so shame has more to talk about tomorrow.

And the cycle repeats itself for years. And then years turn into decades.

CHILD USA reports that survivors of childhood sexual abuse tell someone, on average, at age 52.

Think about that.

That’s 44 years of silence and suffering. 

I can't stop thinking about what happens in between.
Because it's not nothing. It's everything. It's a whole life.

It’s first dates where your body says danger and you don't have the words for why.

It's family vacation pictures with a secret hiding in the frame.

It's love received at a discount, because some voice keeps insisting that full price isn't for you.

You know I talk about the fear tax, the bill fear hands you for everything it stops you from doing.

For survivors, someone actually calculated it.

The CDC estimates the lifetime cost of rape at $122,461 per survivor. Lost productivity. Mental health days. Therapy bills.

But we all know that’s not the real cost. That's just the part that fits on a spreadsheet. There's no line item for the relationships held at arm's length. The self-doubt, insecurities, and emotional baggage that shows up unexpectedly. The risks never taken. The unused potential. It’s the ultimate tax on one’s happiness and overall quality of life.

Healing hurts before it helps.
That's exactly why it takes courage.

Courage isn't the absence of fear, it’s the willingness to act in the face of fear. Speaking means feeling it again, on purpose.

Oprah Winfrey first said the words "that happened to me" on live television in 1986. It slipped out in the middle of another woman's story, because hearing someone else speak made it possible for her to speak.

Tyler Perry told Oprah he was abused by four adults before he turned ten, and described healing as untying the strings of a puppet master, one by one, until he was free.

Lady Gaga opened up about being raped by a producer at nineteen and living with PTSD for years after. She said she will never name the man. Never. And she's still healing. This is an important point.

Healing doesn't require a press conference. It doesn't require a lawsuit or a confrontation. Maybe the person who hurt you is gone. Maybe naming them would burn down more than it heals. I'm not judging any of that, and neither should anyone else. How you choose to heal is up to you. The important part is that you choose to do it.

Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, authors of the book, The Courage to Heal, which has been called the bible of healing from child sexual abuse, go into this in greater detail.

As Brené Brown said it best “shame derives its power from being unspeakable”.

Sit with that for a minute. It means the power was never really shame's. It was always yours. Brad took his back. Oprah took hers back mid-broadcast. Tyler Perry took his back. You don't heal by pretending nothing happened. You heal by speaking, at your own pace, to one safe person, and letting the light do what the dark never could.

What happened to you was not you.
The courage to heal is already in you.
It's just been waiting for its turn to talk.

Here's your reflection for the week:

If this resonates with you on a personal level, and you haven’t yet taken action to begin healing, think about how much it’s costing you. Ask yourself what would need to be true for you to feel compelled to take the first, and smallest step towards your healing.

Here's your challenge for the week:

Watch this 12 minute YouTube video on Why Shame Affects 100% of People with Complex Trauma. If you find it interesting and useful, send it to someone you know.

With courage,

Jonathan